I knew I was too old school for this generation’s version of dating when I realized how hard it had become to have a real conversation with someone of the opposite sex. Something shifted, one day I looked around and everything was different.
Courting is now taboo. Deep conversations feel outdated. And sex? Sex has become the starting point rather than the culmination of a real connection. It’s always been part of male-female dynamics, but now, it seems to lead the way. Lust is the driver, and sex is the destination.
But here’s the hard truth: if sex were removed from the equation, most of these “relationships,” “situationships,” and even some marriages wouldn’t exist. Strip away the physical, and what’s left? Can you sit with someone—clothed physically, emotionally, and spiritually—and still want to stay?
The rise of the “friends with benefits” era is killing more than just tradition—it’s killing love. It’s robbing people of genuine intimacy, emotional safety, and deep bonds. No one wants to commit. No one wants to close the door to their past and build something new. Instead, FWB gives people an open-door policy into each other’s bodies and hearts with no locks, no keys, and no covenant.
Sex was never meant to be casual. Even if you don’t love the person, sex still forms an attachment. And when it’s over, you’re left with ties that are hard to sever—ghosts in your emotional space that haunt your next relationship.
So now, you’ve got a graveyard of emotional “bodies” people you’ve shared yourself with but never loved, never truly knew. And even when you do meet someone worth building with, you can’t move forward because you’re dragging dead weight. You’re still attached to old habits, old situations, and people you were never supposed to carry this far.
Being “single” while sleeping with different people isn’t single. That’s an illusion. Attachment is happening whether you admit it or not. How can you give yourself fully to someone new when so many pieces of you are already scattered?
We’ve lost the art of dating without sex. Getting to know someone without clouded judgment. Without the hormones and the temporary intimacy of bodies tangled in sheets. Sex will have you holding on to situations that should’ve ended long ago. Some people are only having sex so they can say they “have” someone—anyone—just to avoid being alone.
Why are we so addicted to presence over purpose? We’re sacrificing our peace for a few hours of pleasure, and it’s leaving us broken, bitter, confused, and calloused. And yes, emotional pain can happen without sex. But when you add sex prematurely, the stakes get higher. The heartbreak cuts deeper. And too often, we’re giving away pieces of ourselves that we can’t get back.
If you want to be someone’s friend, then be a real friend. Stop calling it friendship when it’s just sex with a smile and casual conversation. Anyone can sleep with you. Anyone can make you feel good in the moment. But what are the long-term consequences?
When does building something real become the priority? When does love get to retake the lead?
You can enjoy your life, have fun, be social, but still keep your body and your soul intact. Most people who say they have “FWB” don’t realize that those aren’t real friendships. Wait until they get into a relationship—that’s when you find out what kind of bond you have.
I’ve learned that my perspective won’t always match the crowd. And that’s okay. I’m just too old to play this game. I want to get to know someone without sacrificing my body. I’ve given too much of that away in the past. I’m not doing it anymore.
Sex is easy to find. That’s not the question. The question is—what else do you bring?
If sex is the main thing you offer, then you’re not offering much. Because when that fades, what’s left? If sexual chemistry is what defines your relationship, then trust me—it’s doomed.
Will sex happen eventually? Of course—it’s a beautiful part of connection. But let it come after you’ve seen someone’s mind, heart, soul, and character. I promise you—take sex off the table and you’ll find out just how much (or how little) you have in common.
Singleness is not a punishment—it’s a gift. Master it. Get comfortable with yourself. Learn to meet your own needs. I can give myself an orgasm. So tell me—what do you bring that I can’t already give myself?
I’m looking for a purpose. Legacy. Partnership. I want something that stretches beyond my lifetime—something my children and grandchildren can benefit from. If you’re in my presence, it needs to be for a reason. You need to add something to my life, I can’t get on my own.
Where are the men who can control their urges and themselves?
Ask yourself: When’s the last time you were single? Not emotionally attached, not sleeping around, not “entertaining” options?
We fast from food, social media, and alcohol—but never from sex. Maybe that’s what we need.
A sexual cleanse.
A reset.
A reclaiming of what’s sacred.
Selah.
–Velma