I look at my life and wonder why am I like this.-Angry! There have been many times I have lashed out my frustrations and anger at people that I have cared about the most because I was hurt. My emotions got the best of me and my tongue became a weapon.
Time and time again I find myself feeling guilty because I’ve conjured up some crazy idea in my head of some wrongdoing that person did towards me usually, the wrong is smaller then what my mind makes it out to be and sometimes it is EXACTLY what my mind makes it out to be. And oftentimes rage has its way with me. I’ve blown up so much where saying “I’m sorry” is a joke to the hearer because the history with me is that she’ll only do it again. So I don’t say sorry, I just say what I say and it be that.
I find myself in tears often crying out to God pleading for him to help me. And in the quietness of my spirit, I hear a voice say to me. “Deal with your anger” “control your fleeting emotions”. The voice offers no pity party and no sympathy but rather a stern rebuke at my sin. For sin is what it is I am committing, I am turning my anger into wrath which does not produce the righteousness of God in my life.
I am using my tongue which no man can tame to defile a vessel of flesh made in the image of God. Instead of asking God for wisdom on how to deal with my anger and frustration, I chose to remove myself from his covering and walk-in disobedience by taking vengeance in my own hands. The voice said, ” deal with your anger”. The only way to deal with my anger is first understanding that I am indeed struggling with this area in my life and that it has become my master.
You cannot continue to run from the problem once you are confronted with it by the very one who has the power to grace you to get free from it. I realized that I had work to do, that I was about to embark on a journey which would require many hard realizations and tears that I had already cried many the night I was confronted.
In my foolishness, God saw fit to show me a better way. I accepted to take the journey with him as he leads me to victory. Yet before I could go, I asked God to shield the vessels heart that my words had meant to scar. I asked God not to allow my words, my anger spoke in ignorance to penetrate that person heart and mind but allow a covering of protection and resilience to be made unto the individual. That they sleep and awake in peace. That no harm comes their way. Once you speak your words cannot be retracted but I do believe God can shield the person(s)s heart from ever being penetrated.
Many who have anger issues and know that if provoked it could be detrimental to the person(s) the anger is targeted to find it easier to retreat and remove themselves from the situation altogether. They have not found the balance of healthy communication in the midst of heat rising from within. Often many retreat and seem callous and standoffish when in reality this is their only way of not allowing their anger to take them to a place that they can not come back from.
Freedom comes from acknowledgment but more so from being rooted in safe ground. A lot of healing cant take place until you are placed in safe environments too heal.
The journey continues…