I look at my life and wonder why I am like this.-Angry! There have been many times I have lashed out my frustrations and anger at people that I have cared about the most because I was hurt. My emotions got the best of me, and my tongue became a weapon.
Time and time again, I find myself feeling guilty because I’ve conjured up some crazy idea in my head of some wrongdoing that person did towards me usually, the wrong is smaller then what my mind makes it out to be. Sometimes it is precisely what my mind makes it out to be. And often, rage has its way with me. I’ve blown up so much where saying “I’m sorry” is a joke to the hearer because the history with me is that she’ll only do it again. So I don’t say sorry, I just say what I say, and it is that.
I find myself in tears, often crying out to God, pleading for him to help me. And in the quietness of my spirit, I hear a voice say to me. “Deal with your anger,” “control your fleeting emotions.” He offers no pity party and no sympathy but rather a stern rebuke at my inability to bring every emotion under control. I am turning my anger into wrath, which does not produce the righteousness of God.
I am using my tongue, to defile a vessel of flesh made in the image of God. Instead of asking God for wisdom on how to deal with my anger and frustration, I chose to remove myself from his covering and walk-in disobedience by taking vengeance in my own hands. He said, “deal with your anger.” To do that, I must first understand that I am indeed struggling with this area in my life, that it has become my master.
You cannot continue to run from the problem once you are confronted with it by the very one who has the power to grace you to get free from it. I realized that I had work to do and that I was about to embark on a journey that would require hard realizations and tears.
In my foolishness, God saw fit to show me a better way. I obliged to take the journey with him as he leads me to victory. Yet before I could go, I asked God to shield each vessel’s heart that my words had meant to scar. I asked God not to allow my words, and my anger spoke in ignorance to penetrate that person’s heart and mind to allow a covering of protection and resilience for the individual(s), that they sleep and awake in peace that no harm comes their way. Because once you speak, your words cannot retract, but I do believe God can shield the person(s) heart from ever being penetrated.
Many who have anger issues and know that if provoked, it could be detrimental to the person(s) the anger targets. Find it more comfortable to retreat and remove themselves from the situation altogether. They have not found the balance of healthy communication amid heat rising internally. Often many retreats and seem callous and standoffish when, in reality, this is their way of not allowing their anger to take them to a place that they can not come back from.
Freedom comes from acknowledgment but more so from being rooted in the safe ground. A lot of healing cant take place until you are placed in safe environments to heal. Allow God to anchor you. His word gives life if you allow it to be your teacher.
The journey continues.