You never see it coming

As I think about all the different scenarios of how we met, How if I could get that moment back and do differently, I would. I wish I could remove my presence from that day so that the encounter would never have happened. You see, my life was content before he came. I’ve always been a woman who didn’t care if a man was in my life or not, who was able to be just with myself. A man’s presence did not dictate my happiness. So when he came, I wasn’t moved or itching to get to know him. Yet, somehow it happened he got through to a part of me that I never wanted him to have, and I beat myself up about it all the time.

When you are content and living your life entirely, not even focused on the fact that you are by yourself, you see the world differently. I am a single mother, so I had enough life going on that my focus wasn’t on the male species period. So how the hell did he get through? I’ll never understand. Because now that we are no longer in each other’s lives, there’s a hole there as if something in my life is missing, and I hate this feeling.

I don’t even care about whether or not he came back. I’m concerned with the void, for the first time I’m aware of a lack, I’m mindful of a need to want to have someone close to me. Have I been in relationships before?  Sure I have, but love, real authentic love, wasn’t in my vocabulary with them. I cared yes, even infatuation played a part, but none received the part of me that I gave him. And it pisses me off why did I let him in?

Ladies, have you ever been in a situation like what I have described above? Loving and losing and left to pick the pieces up? Pieces that you never asked to be broken and shattered incapable of repair. Let’s face it. I know time gives way for healing and moving on, but I don’t want to have to be here. The only guy to ever be brought around my children that in itself is hurting.

I don’t date just to date, and I surely don’t bring men around my daughter’s mainly for this reason. Maybe I prophesied it through my thoughts. Because what has happened has been my greatest fear. I’m even okay at never dating again until my daughters are out of my house- grown. Men don’t have to worry about the why because they aren’t left to deal with the aftermath. When any woman, every woman is found in his bed to soothe him through a break-up.

But no us women are left to pick up the broken pieces and still be whole for daughters that are looking to you to be their safeguard. I was never too keen on the idea of love or wanting it, and then cupids ass got me, and if I could find him, I’d break his wings and snap his bow and arrow. The investment, the prayers, the believing the just giving of yourself to a person that takes and honors the next with the brick and mortar you were building for him to be great.

Even as I type this, I’m laughing because, to most, this may sound like a bitter woman writing, yet, it’s a rebirthing. See, sometimes you have to write the hurt, see the pain to recognize that what happened had to happen. When you are a hard-shelled woman, never allowing anything or anyone to penetrate for something to get through, you aren’t supposed to see it coming. If I had seen it coming, I would have never allowed him to get close. Why was he used? I don’t know? But I do know that before in my contentment, I would have died without ever loving or even knowing that I was capable of giving of myself emotionally. And though it hurts and it sucks often I think about if I ever saw him again would my fist find his face or would I just look and realize it was needed. Even though heartbreak is a journey of healing the fact that I now understand a void and a need, it can now fill with what was supposed to be there. I don’t know if that’s another man or a more significant purpose, but I do know that I see myself differently; my emotions are real, and I’m allowing me to be sensitive to them.

You will love and lose it is apart of life, but what will we learn from it? How will we see ourselves after? Because ultimately, everything that happens to us should not cause us to look outward but inward. The evolution of a healthier heart is in process. And once the incubation time has ceased, the butterfly shall spread her wings and bask in the beauty of all her colors. Women were created to love and be loved, and when it’s real and when it’s right, you’ll know it because you would have already gone through the process of healing to receive it. And the one meant for you will see all that you are and embrace it, not just the good things about you but even the hard to deal with things. He will recognize his role in cultivating those hard parts. And those are the men we should prepare for, not the ones who are scared of our scars.